I have been happily married and almost divorced all in the same day. Anyone else? The above picture is me and my man. Can you imagine that this pic kinda sums us up?
16 years, 2 kids, the loss of 2 parents and a brother, no less than 11 moves and 3 states we are still standing. Some days its amazing and other days I literally think “what the hell”. I have said to my mom: “no one told me the truth about being married.” Her response: “well, everyone wants grandchildren. The truth about marriage could stop that in its tracks.” She thought that was really funny! My parents have been married 50+ years by the way.
So what is the truth about marriage? That it is great? That it is about love? That it is about doing life with the other person? Having an instant “ride or die” partner? Is the truth that it is hard work? That it can be heart breaking? That it can also be numbing? I can only speak for my own marriage. So I answer yes. Yes, it is all of those things. Am I the only one?
Marriage, kids, sex. Right? Maybe I have that in the wrong order. But as a society we put a lot of value on those 3 things. Those 3 things, when done right, are supposed to be everything. And sometimes they are. But what about when they aren’t? I mean lets be real here. I know for a fact that having children bonded my husband and I in a way that is, well sacred really. I also know that those same children have, at times, driven a wedge in between us in our marriage that can feel suffocating. It isn’t because of the people that they are…its because of the time they need and consume.
You want to talk Now???? I am in the shower! (side note…remember when being in the shower was like an invitation to “adult time”) Now I am all OMG, can’t I get 5 minutes to myself!!!
If you touch my boob on more time I might punch you.
What do you mean you can’t get back in time to get the kids from school?
I have a meeting. Dinner? What is for dinner? How about what ever you fix yourself?(and then stomp off in a huff…the message being clear…MY time is more valuable than YOUR time)
Doesn’t married life sound grand in my house? But here is the thing…it kinda is.
It has taken us 16 years, some therapy, self and marriage to get here. I have friends and family that have wondered how we stuck it out, let alone are working on real happiness. What if we had given up in year 5? I thought about it. Long and hard. I revisited that thought 2 years ago. Fights, no communication, and resentment.
And you know what I did? I got honest. With myself and my husband. We went to therapy. It wasn’t a miracle. But it did show us both something that we needed to see. We both want to stay married. To each other. To raise our family, enjoy the fruits of that labor, and learn how to love one another better. It isn’t a fairy tale. Some people DO get the fairy tale. Did you know that? And wondered, if it wasn't you, why them? Click To Tweet I used to. But you know what? This is my marriage, my life, my house, my kids, my future. I now know that just means, like everything else, its an extension of my personality, my core.
I remember reading about the Duggar family and how they stayed so focused on being a couple. One of the things the wife gave as advice: when your mate is speaking, gaze adoringly at them as if they are saying the most important thing in the world.
My response? “WHAT IF THEY ARE SAYING SOMETHING STUPID”?
Yep, that is what being married in my house is like. Right or wrong, we are an up and down couple. But i have come to see the beauty in staying committed to working out the roller coaster. Sometimes we still go backwards but thankfully those backwards steps seem to put us in position to grow and go flying forwards past the previous all time best. Does that make sense?
Life is messy. Being married is messy. Being a business owner is messy. And you know what? I LOVE it. Even when I don’t like it. I LOVE it. I want this blog to be about the “realness” of life. I only have my life to dive into.
But if you are a married person I can 100% say that regardless of where you go with your marriage the only way to get there is to be honest with yourself and your mate. Staying married isn’t whats best for everybody. And you don’t ever know what the future holds, you only have this moment. But like everything else I am committed to, I believe that self work and a willingness to break out of the box can only lead you to the life of your dreams. If you don’t have a dream marriage, go build it. You are worth the work it takes to have a long, loving, relationship with a partner that wants nothing more than the same thing. Happiness and all that it takes to get there.